


i hate that i love u

by ElizaAllanPoe



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Getting Back Together, M/M, Mention of sex, Post-Break Up, Secret Relationship, Self-Denial, Shame, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 23:02:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8420554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElizaAllanPoe/pseuds/ElizaAllanPoe
Summary: Philip was trying to pull a brave face because the truth is he's the one who broke up with Lukas in the first place. He's the one who said he didn't want this anymore...But he missed him. or Philip breaks up with Lukas, and Lukas can't cope so he gets wasted at a club in NYC and Philip goes to get him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> title and quote in beginning are from "I hate u i love u" by gnash :)

 

"feeling used, but I'm still missing you  
and I can't see the end of this  
just wanna feel your kiss, against my lips  
and now all this time is passing by  
but I still can't seem to tell you why  
it hurts me every time I see you, realize how much I need you.."

* * *

 It had been two and a half weeks since the breakup. Philip was trying to pull a brave face because the truth is he's the one who broke up with Lukas in the first place. He's the one who said he didn't want this anymore. 

But he's also the one who still looks for him involuntarily at school, and the one who waits for him to text him and ask for him back. But it never comes. 

He asks himself how he could love someone like this, someone who treats him like a dirty secret. He knew to never put himself in this situation, but Lukas was something else entirely. He got under his skin, and just changed everything. Any rational thought went away as soon as the blonde smiled, and Philip hated it. He hated how Lukas could make whatever they have feel both unbelievably real and heartbreakingly fake at the same time. Above all, Philip hated that he couldn't escape him. 

He just missed him. 

Maybe the breakup was a smart thing to do because it would just hurt more in the end if they kept going along like this. Things like this never end well, and boys like Philip always get hurt. 

So why did it hurt so much now? Why did he miss Lukas so much that he could barely think straight. 

Lukas had become his addiction. 

~~~

The music is pounding and the lights are giving him a headache, he was not in the mood. Philip had seen a snapchat, and before he could think twice of it, he had been on the way here to NYC. 

He finds Lukas dancing shirtless on a table with a crowd dancing at his feet.  His blonde hair is tied and he's drinking a beer sloppily. Philip stares at him for a minute. What are you doing? 

"Lukas! Hey, hey, come on!" He shouts, trying to cut through the crowd. "Lukas!" 

"Go away Philip. I d-d-dont want you hereeeee." Lukas slurs, pointing at him, eyes unfocused. 

"Lukas you're drunk okay, I gotta get you home." Philip sighs, reaching up at him, glaring at the stranger whose placed their hands on his hips.  "I'm not leaving you here."

Lukas pushes him arm away. "I don't neeeeed your help Mr. Philip"  He turns around and kisses the man behind him hungrily. 

 Philip looks away angrily. He shouldn't have come. Lukas isn't his responsibility. Lukas is his own person, and his ex. So he can kiss whoever he wants. It doesn't matter that it's only been two weeks and that Philip had thought there was no way he could move on so soon. 

"Lukas we need to go!" Philip shouts, taking Lukas' hand in his and tugging slightly. 

Philip cuts his way through the crowd and Lukas follows, mindlessly. 

"God, Lukas what were you thinking getting so drunk like this?" Philip asks, as they step onto the train. 

"I was thinking I don-nt know what's happening to me, and you to-told me you don't want me anymo-more. " Lukas says, his words slurring even more. "N-never going to want me. Not gonna love me. Why would you?" 

 Philip looks at him speechless. This was all because of him. Here he was thinking Lukas could move on so easily, but it seems it had been hurting him just as much as Philip. 

"I'm sorry Lukas, I shouldn't have broken up with you like that." Philip says, still not letting go of the taller man's hand. 

Lukas stares at him as he leans against the window and Philip waits desperately for his response. But the next second he's asleep and Philip wonders if he's even going to remember this in the morning.  

~~~

When Lukas wakes up he groans, eye squeezed shut. It takes him a few, but he finally opens his eyes and is shocked to see Philip in his bedroom with him. Oh yeah his dad is in Poughkeepsie again. 

"Here." Philip says, offering him some aspirin. 

Lukas takes it without a word, and meets his eyes after a moment. "What happened last night?" 

"I knew you wouldn't remember anything." Philip replies as he looks away. 

"I remember going to the club. I had a few drinks." Lukas responds, chewing his lip." What did I do? Why are you here?" I thought you didn't want to be anywhere near me ever again. 

"You got really, really drunk. You sent me a snap, and you were there by yourself. I had to go get you." 

"I thought you didn't care about me anymore." Lukas shakes his head. 

"I do Lukas. You know I do." Philip says, pressing his hands against his forehead. "It's just this whole thing is centered around secrecy. I don't know how to do that. Love you in secret." 

"If you love me than why'd you leave?" Lukas shouts. "You know how this is for me. This is so new, and you just left!" 

"This is new for me too! I've never loved anyone like this before! I never let myself, and you-" Philip counters back, his voice cracking. God, his emotions are always betraying him. "You can't fuck me the way you do, make me think that you love me, and then treat me like dirt because you're afraid." 

Why aren't you afraid of hurting me?

  "I"m so sorry." Lukas lowers his voice, shame laced into his words. "For everything. For hitting you that day, for making you feel this way. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm like this, but I'm working on it. Okay? Philip please, I'll get there. Just please don't give up on me."

Philip stares at Lukas for a while carefully evaluating his words. He wasn't sure what the wise thing to do was anymore. Lukas was asking for him back, and Philip was too in love with him to not want that too. It was true, Lukas was working on it, he was better sometimes. He would kiss him and hold his hand when they were in the city. He actually looked him in the eye now when they fucked, and God that was enough. 

Philip finally nods and Lukas throws himself into his arms immediately. 

"I love you." Lukas whispers as he kisses him passionately. "I'm sorry." 

 " It's okay."

**Author's Note:**

> i've lived in new york my whole life and ive never heard of tivoli. what even is upstate newyork 
> 
> thanks for reading, have a lovely day xx


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